Oh, let´s go back to the start.

Kategori: Hjärtekross.


17. The awareness that you did not love me back.

I can´t say that it was heartbreaking, cause it was not that dramatic.
It was not like it came as a shock, I had seen the scraps of the inevitable truth for a long time.
I studied your every move, word and look to the point that I finally realized that I was not in your mind the way you were in mine.
I smiled. Inside, I screamed.
I was so very tired of that, of falling in love without the assurance of love in return.

It could be one of the most terrifying things in this world.

Forget wars, economic crisis, world hunger, weapons of mass destruction.

Every soul on this planet walks around with their hearts in hesitation, in despair, in fear of what impact their actions will have on the object of their affections heart.


Sometimes it ends because some were brave enough to face the fear and put their heart out on a limb and risk it´s fall. And suceeded. Rescued their heart and made it ten times it´s original size.


Some know that the outcome will be good and their hearts are rescued aswell. But those hearts only grow twice as big, because they were not in it for the big price, the big win, the win it all or lose it all. They played with a safe bet.
Some people consider them cowards.
I consider them lucky.


Then there are the ones that never get the courage to try
, cause they dread that the outcome of putting out their hearts on dirty metaphorical concrete roads for everyone to walk all over them will be crushing.

Their hearts will become like eggshells.
They will live in fear and walk around with their hearts on satin pillows carefully moving away from crushing hands. But by putting your heart away for so long it makes impossible for anyone with good intentions to get near it aswell.
So they get to live with their eggshellhearts for the rest of their lives, alone.

I belive I will part of this group.
...Love´s some kind of lottery where you scratch and see what´s underneath it´s sorry, just one cherry, play again, get lucky...
Conor was singing those words thru my stereo and I realized that he had a point. Love´s like a lottery, you can bet everything you have and win the big price. Or you can bet all your life´s savings and lose everything. Or you can play safe and win the consolationprice.

It´s not fair, I don´t even gamble.
I´d rather be working for a paycheck that waiting to win the lottery.

that´s Conor´s words aswell.

(ett litet urdrag ur min novell som finns att beskåda, och läsa Här.)

Kommentarer

  • Frida säger:

    jättejättefint!

    2010-04-08 | 15:04:58
    Bloggadress: http://messedupwords.blogspot.com
  • ida säger:

    det här är fortfarande så himla himla fint och jag gråter.

    2010-04-14 | 10:43:59

Kommentera inlägget här: